Sunday, June 26, 2011

(2010) Something More

I think if anything conveys the power of mere words, it's this song. It's also one that I wish I could work on more, but the longer I leave it, the more I like the original way it sounded, and generally go back to.

This illustrates the see-saw way I was feeling when I started dating somebody for the first time after a rather tumultuous long-term relationship. I really liked this guy. I mean, really, REALLY liked him. And like most people after a long-term relationship, I was afraid to completely let go in case I got hurt again, or ended up hurting someone else. But it's safe to say now that I finally allowed myself to completely fall head over heels for him. We would spend hours late at night, just talking and laughing non-stop over stupid things...when we were together we were like fire, just feeding off each other in sheer fun and craziness.

I wrote this about 2 months after we started dating. A month later, he told me that he had applied for a job in a different province, went for the interview, got it, and was moving away in a few weeks. All very suddenly...I had no idea he was even looking for another job. Then he left without really saying goodbye (just a quick text), and that really threw me off. I was thrown off for a couple months, in fact.

Listening to the words now, they take on a different meaning for me then they did when I wrote it...but perhaps it was the meaning they always had (or...maybe I just conjured it up by writing those words). Now it sounds to me that I wanted to make sure that I was ready for something like that again, but not really wanting to get too deep into it. Well, I definitely know now that I am ready, so that's the positive that came out of it. I guess the only negative part is what really sucks: I still kinda miss him and what we had. Hopefully I will find it again.

Well, this be it:

I wasn't asking for much
I only wanted to believe that there was something more
I thought I didn't know much,
Was kinda hard to see past the shadows of my life before

And then the answer came and like the perfect sunrise,
Shone it's light upon my sleeping soul
But still my questions remain and like a violent earthquake,
They shake me to my very core

I wasn't asking for much
I only wanted to believe that I was something more
I thought I didn't know much
It's kinda hard to believe in something that hurt so much before

But then I spotted you and like a fool, I wished for something
Well beyond my grasp
And then you smiled at me and all the waves came crashing down
They carried me to you, far away from the past

I'm not asking for much
I only wanna believe that this is something that could be more
Because I still don't know enough
And it's kinda hard for me to think that
Things won't turn out like they did before

But then you speak your mind and I feel your words wrap around me,
Lighting up all my hidden desires
It makes it easy to find the feelings I thought had left me
Now I know I can only go higher

No, I'm not asking for much
But you're helping me believe in something so much more
And I still don't know much
But now I'm looking ahead at something that I've never had before...

Why I Never Had Lyrics Before

I began writing songs when I was 12. I've been writing poetry since I was about 11, but the inclusion of a little Yamaha keyboard (or Casio, can't remember anymore) in my life when I was young got the whole song thing rolling for me. Not that my songs were any good at the age of 12. Luckily I don't remember any of them now, because I'm sure they were probably full of pubescent angst and longings I couldn't even clarify for myself back then.

I started making music when I was about 16. I still always had words to go with them, but back then I always thought them too cheesy, and so never really included them. Well, I also never had a decent microphone to record them on, so that was also a factor. And that is also probably a good thing, because I still remember one song I wrote when I was had the word 'ostentatious' in it, just because I loved that word. Who the hell writes songs with words like that in them? So I forgot about writing songs and just focused on writing music.

When I decided to try and write songs again, I was 23. And I had a boyfriend. I wrote a song and made this music for it, and played it for him. The song was about going to some guy's house wanting some nice cuddly time and being met with someone who just wanted a lay. His first response? "Is this about me?" It was nothing about him, and I told him so. "Well, who is it about then?" Umm...nobody. Just something I thought up. It went with the music, and it sounded kinda cool...and that was it.

(Damn boys!:)

I scrapped the song, and never wrote another one until I broke up with him. Then I wrote 3 songs, but only one got made (Existences, 2001)

Around age 25 I began writing again. Most were extremely depressing songs. "What It's Like" (2004) was one of them, and after recording that and getting the response, "That is the most depressing song I've ever heard in my life," I thought maybe I should try to write something a bit happier. I have several notebooks filled with song lyrics that either never made it to the music stage, or I figured they were just too cheesy sounding to continue with. I revisited some of those songs later on, but still...the songwriting process was slow. I was still basically learning how to play by ear according to my voice, or writing for the music I was making. Just kinda getting a feel for my own pattern, I guess.

Then I made "Be A DJ" (2005). Nothing I was singing my opinion, that song was just a silly little parody that ended up sounding pretty good. But I had a (different) boyfriend at the time and, all gushy and excited over my new song (which was inspired by him), I played it for him. His first response?

"Who's Mike?"
(A line in the song references a fictitious buddy named Mike.)

After much consoling from me that I NEVER had a friend named Mike that I would borrow records from, I quit writing again, at least not until I broke up with that guy. I wrote my first 'real' song 2 days after we broke up. It's ready for a new treatment, but it's never been released. Mostly because it's all about him. Not that anyone else would know when they listen to it, unless they knew every facet of our lives together.

**Funny...these guys who thought my nonsensical songs were all about them and likely had no chance of going anywhere anyway had no idea that they may be fodder for some songs later in life. I'll be fair...I only wrote a song each about each of them, and I doubt anyone else but me will ever hear them. But I wish I hadn't shut myself down because of that...who knows where I'd be now if I just wrote whatever I wanted to and didn't care what they thought at the time?**

That being said, yes...every song I've made and posted that deals with love *has* been inspired by someone in my life, But truth be told, for every 5 I make, only 1 gets completely finished. I've gone through a rough time of that within the last few years, and every time I get hurt, I need to pour it out. But to me, they seem so generic that you wouldn't know who unless you knew of me and my relationships....this includes the guys who had inspired me. There are maybe 5 people on this earth that may be able to surmise exactly *who* they are about. Also, I try and shy away from the whole "my heart is broken and I will never go on again without you" theme, because I think it's straight bullshit. You know what? You get your heart broken, you let it hurt, you let it heal, and you move on. That's all anyone can ever do. Hell, it's happened to me too many times to count. When it happens now, I simply process it and move on. During the processing, I realize that it may hurt for a bit, but after a while I will likely just look back on it with nothing more than a twinge of sadness. No...I like to emphasize the fact that no matter what happens or how much you're hurting, everything will be ok. :)

(2007) Be With Me

I'm posting some music that I've made on my old computer that I very likely may not work on anymore, and this song is one of them.

I wrote this back in 2004, after meeting somebody and falling madly in love with them. Back then, I only wrote depressing songs and this is probably the first slightly more positive one I wrote then (I say 'slightly' more positive because the original words were still rather negative-sounding). I had composed completely different music for it though...and it's yet another one that I just sat on for a really long time, mostly because I didn't like the music and some of the words just didn't seem right.

I revisited it in 2008, after we broke up. After hearing it and having a good cry over everything, I sat down and rewrote some of the lyrics and made entirely different music for it. Then...I completely forgot about it until a few months ago! When I did find it, it was one of those "Why the hell haven't I done anything with this?" moments. So I re-recorded the vocals (the song still had the cruddy 'laydown' vocals I originally recorded in '04), tweaked a few things on the music, it is. I think it's quite a beautiful song, myself. :)

I check the time, it's 4 o clock,
I can't believe how long we've talked
I want to stop, but then I look into your eyes
Outside, the rain is trickling down
Inside, the warmth it wraps around us
Want to stop but then I look at you inside

Be with me
Be with me
Be with me
Don't let me cry
Be with me
Be with me
Be with me
Please help me fly

You see, my heart's still beating
Slowly, slowly, I'm conceding
If you touch me I'm still breathing
I have not yet died
You fill me with your warmth and love
So many worlds I've dreamed of
We come together, rise above
Our foolish pride

Be with me
Be with me
Be with me
Don't let me cry
Be with me
Be with me
Be with me
Please help me fly